The judgement call has pretty much been made on men sending women unsolicited dick pics: it’s not just unwanted, it’s a huge turn-off. There have been countless articles, stand-up routines and listicles on funny ways to respond. When asked a question on dick pic etiquette by an exhibitionist dude, advice podcaster Dan Savage often replies “Don’t send it to women. You know who wants to see that? Gay men.”
I fall into the majority camp here. I hate dick pics, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I hate them because it feels like a man shoving his cock in my face, uninvited. I physically recoil from the screen. Sometimes I hate them because we were having a perfectly nice flirty conversation and then, like Alan Partridge running out of pitch ideas at his BBC meeting, they do the pictorial equivalent of blurting out “Uhh…monkey tennis?” Sometimes I hate them because it makes me assume the person isn’t very interesting, and this is what they consider their best feature.
I don’t really like sending gynaecological shots myself, even if my partner’s asked for them, because it always involves contortion, overthinking and an end result that looks like a small mammal’s burrow. I struggle to imagine it being hot for someone to receive. It also stops me masturbating while I, like some sort of Victorian medium, try to make something evasive appear clearly on camera.
Don’t get me wrong: I really like to see a penis in reality. Like my vagina, it can be a fun indicator of how turned on my partner is and a useful tool for both of us. But that’s it. When the penis is separate from the touching and the dirty talk and the set-up, it’s as though it’s switched off.
Crucially, genitals are only ever a part of who you are, and for me, they’re the least interesting bit. I’ve had terrible sex with people with big penises and a grand old time with confident partners who have smaller dicks. For size queens and exhibitionists, or those who like to do intricate things to their junk, I appreciate it’s a different story, but I just don’t want to see it.
Which brings me to the main point of this ramble-rant: dick avatars on FetLife.
How many women’s profiles have “If your profile pic is your cock, don’t bother messaging”? I’ve lost count. The worst thing is getting a message or Follow notification from someone, going to explore their profile and being dickbushed by their knob avatar. It really does make me throw up in my mouth, and (spoiler) that’s not my kink.
Please, please follow the basic rule that newsletters use: allow us to opt into seeing dicks instead of assuming you can junkmail us with no thought as to the impact that has.
By putting your dick front and centre on your profile, you’re basically saying: “Weelll, this is pretty much the only interesting thing about me – it’s all downhill after that.” If you’re proud of your big cock, fine, but it’s not as exciting as you think to everyone else, even those of us who rather like cock. Not to mention, it’s an arms race: there will always be someone with a bigger dick than you. I also harbour suspicions that someone who brags about their penis size will rely on it to do all the work during sex. Since 70-80% of women can’t come from penetration alone, that doesn’t bode well for orgasm parity.
I’d like to propose that as a courtesy, all penis-people make themselves a non-knob avatar. If you really, really need to show off your dick, put as many pictures as you like in your gallery and maybe give folk a heads-up in your profile text that Here Be Monsters, but please, please leave the profile picture junk-free.
Obviously discretion and privacy is key on Fet, and I don’t expect full-face avatars. But there are so many options with which to interest and intrigue prospective playmates. You might upload a cartoon, a partial-face picture, some mood-setting objects you enjoy playing with (that aren’t your penis), a furious honey badger – choose something that really says something about you. Resist the urge to flash every woman who ambles by and be a little more imaginative in the shopfront you set out. Why be a dick when you could be a complete person?
Need a penis-free palate cleanser? Check out the wonderfully named Unsolicited DikDiks on Twitter.