Advice columnist Dan Savage has been a force of great good in my life, and that of many other perverts. In case you’re not familiar with his work, check out his column Savage Love and the podcast Savage Lovecast for funny, acerbic, compassionate, self-deprecating, kink-friendly advice. I wanted to share a few Savage pearls of wisdom that I return to again and again in my kink and everyday lives.
Rounding up and the myth of The One
Dan talks a lot about the toxic fallacy of seeking The One. It’s an idea we’re sold in childhood and it’s potentially really damaging. Believing in The One causes us to stay in marriages that may have run their course or be downright terrible, because we believe there is nobody else out there – this was our one shot. It prevents us thinking about other models of relationships and non-monogamy and it might mean we miss out on, or ditch, an amazing relationship because the other person is not absolutely perfect.
Dan instead suggests we shoot for a 0.7 or 0.8 person – someone really good with minor flaws we can overlook, who in turn might overlook ours – and round them up to 1. This is such a helpful idea, and one that lets off the pressure to get it absolutely right. It also means we might give a relationship more of a chance before making any major decisions.
“Every relationship you are in will fail, until one doesn’t”
Closely linked to the above idea, Savage often talks about this. Statistically, you’re unlikely to stay with your teenage sweetheart into adulthood. And each time it’s not so much an erosion of hope as shedding an old skin and emerging as a new person. Likewise, being jealous of a person’s previous partners makes no sense to me, because for better or worse, they helped shape the person you love.
Just because a relationship ends, doesn’t mean it was a failure
Savage is really good at reframing things that might be stigmatised or pitied (breaking up with someone, for example) as simply having run their course. It’s much healthier to draw a line under a relationship, or recognise that it’s become something different, like a platonic friendship, than to struggle on in situ and make each other miserable. And if you break up and ‘stick the dismount’ (to quote Dan again) you might gain and retain a really good play-partner or friend.
Get yourself in good working order before entering into a relationship
“I think the best thing for you to do is just live your life. Live a life that’s worth living, one where you do what you want to do, pursue your passions. That way, if you meet someone, they’ll be joining a life that’s already really good.”
This is particularly important for kink, where we sometimes take on roles that spill into our everyday lives. In order to trust someone enough to explore kinky desires together, we need to like ourselves and know who we are. Kink can be part of a healing process if we’re emotionally wounded, but it’s not a subtitute for therapy or self-examination, and it can exacerbate problems due to the intense dynamics involved. It’s not your partner responsibility to telepathically know what you need to ‘fix’ you. Indeed, going into darker play with a partner who’s drawn to your insecurities could leave you vulnerable to some very nasty stuff. This ties back into my grouchy post about ageplay not being a get-out-of-adulting-free card.
One person simply can’t be all things to another person – sexually or otherwise
Having been in and out of monogamous relationships most of my life and feeling guilty for not being able to sustain both sexual and personal interest in a single person, it was a relief to hear this. When I broke up with a long-term partner and entered the kink world I’d been dreaming about for years, it was a revelation to meet people who modelled different relationship options and parameters. I realised I was romantically monogamous, and enjoyed having a stable emotional relationship, but sexually I was a little slut who wanted to explore different things with different people before returning to my main partner. Luckily I met and fell for someone who needed the same thing. And since they’re not into every single thing I am, our model means I’m not blocked from ever exploring those things – it just means a field trip is needed.
Following the campsite rule
When approaching or responding to someone who might be less powerful than you, or vulnerable in some way, Savage’s advice is to obey the campsite rule: leave them in better condition than the one in which you found them. This not only sets a simple code of conduct for the more powerful party, it also doesn’t deny the other person agency and the right to sexual autonomy. Just because someone is in their 20s, or has experienced trauma, it doesn’t mean they are a naive child it’s wrong to approach. It’s simply a case of looking at the dynamic you share, listening to each other, being fair and honest, and recognising when something you might both be considering could be net harmful.
“Kink is just Cops and Robbers with pants off and orgasms”
Hearing Dan say this was a lightbulb moment. We all wade through some degree of shame (and sometimes eroticise it) in order to find our kinky happy place. I have always loved the playful side of kink, and even before I came to Perverbia, I loved dressing up and parading about whenever there was an excuse.
This comparison with childhood games also taps into my irritation with One True Way dom/sub types who insist you’re not a proper [insert role] if you don’t [insert action]. Kink should be fun, cathartic, connective, creative, silly, escapist, and tailored to leave participants feeling satisfied (whatever that looks like to them).
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Thanks Dan, from a very loyal subscriber. Through your show I’ve been introduced to terms like pegging, monogamish and Santorum, learned to access a person’s judgement over less telling qualities, and remembered the golden Valentine’s rule: whatever elaborate dinner or gesture you’re planning, it could go tits-up, so always FUCK FIRST.