‘A lot of women will misbehave, and then they just say that they’re a diva. And they think that just makes everything ok:
“I’m a diva. I can cut in line. I’m a diva. I can be selfish and thoughtless. I’m a diva.”
(winces) Hmmm…I’m pretty sure you’re a cunt.’
– Sarah Silverman
<rant>
Slight change of pace here, but this somewhat grumpy post is a piece I've been meaning to write for a while. It's based on discussions with other kinky folk of differing stripes, and aimed mostly at more submissive types. If you only came for the porn stories, you may want to look away now. Ahem.
Playing a bottom, brat or Little allows subby folk to temporarily hand over control to someone else and take on a persona with less power, fewer obligations and fewer choices to make. It also allows us to be naughty, vulnerable, mischievous, silly, obnoxious and even gross without worrying about long-term/real-world consequences. But while it’s fine to play up in a negotiated scene or established dynamic, we need to keep our adult side on call.
Be considerate
We have to be mindful of other people’s time, energy and privacy needs. It might be adorable/fun to forget rules in-scene that lead to spankings or corner time. It might be enjoyable for a top to have a brat invite punishment with deliberate bad behaviour. But out of the scene, remember that even a top who enjoys attention-seeking bratting might want a break from the tugging on their sleeve. They might have had a rough day, be under the weather or just not be in the mood, and their consent matters as well.
We need to understand our relationship with attention (positive and negative), accept that we won’t always get attention on demand and aren’t automatically entitled to it, and if the other person is not enjoying the pestering or even flirting, stop.
A top may also not be ‘out’ in the outside world. Even if you’re so proud of your kinks you tell the world who you are at the drop of a hat, it’s not possible or desirable for everyone. If a dom prefers to keep their private life strictly private, it’s not fair to brat them conspicuously or loudly address them as ‘Daddy’ in earshot of civilians.
Don’t ghost. Seriously.
This is a big bugbear. It’s incredibly easy to vanish completely online, even if we’re mid-conversation. Sometimes a flit is justified, but frequently it’s just inconsiderate. Unless you’ve discovered something terrible about the other person, or they’ve said or done something unforgiveable that you cannot bear to discuss, do not ghost them. It’s not self-care; it’s selfish.
If you’ve only shared one or two casual messages, the exchange might tail off. That’s fine. But if you’ve gotten into excited discussions and even made plans to meet, to then go radio-silent is to plant a thousand questions in your correspondent’s head and damage their trust. I change my mind or conk out emotionally sometimes and need to leave an exchange, but where possible, I try to explain this before going quiet.
It is unkind to ghost without good reason. If the other person has not wronged you or disturbed you, take a couple of minutes to at least close the door with them. If they won’t take your door-closing for an answer, then you can simply walk away, but at least you’ve not left them with false hope.
A playdate is a playdate
For many kinky folk, headspace, chemistry and anticipation are major factors in how enjoyable a scene is. Even if, as a sub, you play with a thousand partners, and are able to flip into Play Mode in a trice, consider that the other person may operate differently, and may have been building up to this for a while. Be fair in your conduct.
If you arrange to play with someone, either turn up in good working order or give them as much advance notice as possible to say you can’t make it. Even if they’re disappointed, a decent partner will understand if you are unwell, just not feeling it that day, or unable to come for some other good reason.
‘Good reason’ does not include forgetting you’ve booked something on the same day months ago and only just remembered on the day. Nor does it include getting hungover as hell the night before you’re due to play.
I say this as someone with scattylicious ADHD up to (gestures) here: Flaking on a partner, especially if you do it more than once, is not fair, and it’s not cute. People might have postponed and reorganised a whole lot of things in order to meet us; to be stood up or casually ditched is painful and bruises your partner’s trust. This is 2021 and we have free organisational tools all around us. Use a calendar to avoid double-booking, set alerts, tie a knot in a hanky, make notes on things to do or prepare – whatever helps you feel in control of your commitments.
If you mess up, own it
We are human and we will make mistakes, but just because we’re subby types doesn’t mean we get to shrug and go “Oopsies – oh well, that’s just lil’ old me! Get used to it, I guess!”
It’s important to consider things from a friend, playmate or partner’s perspective and understand the impact of our actions. If you wouldn’t accept “deal with it” from a partner, don’t expect them to, just because your bottom looks cute in a onesie. And don’t rely on a spanking to clear the slate every time, unless you want something fun to instead become associated with anger and frustration.
One of my berzerk buttons is Crying Subby Wolf. This is when a sub plays the victim in response to a reasonable request from a toppy partner, e.g. a top asks for clarity or better communication in future and finds themselves hailed with accusations of bullying, manipulation and pressure. This kind of gaslighting is pretty toxic over time.
In case it looks like I’m setting myself up as some kind of subby bastion, I speak from my own errors more than anything. I miss things, I don’t plan well, I mishandle situations. But I try to see when it’s my fault, apologise sincerely and make a concerted effort to avoid it happening again. I might balls it up again, but I will try to remedy things until I break the pattern.
In his book Scattered Minds, Gabor Maté explains that our brains are relatively plastic until our 70s, so we can all learn healthier responses and unlearn neuroses, given the right support. Doing so will allow us to play more flexibly and confidently too, with added security and agency as we get to know ourselves better.
Breaking character
Even in 24/7 relationships, whatever form these assume, there must be room to take a break, talk like grown-ups, listen to criticism, voice concerns and consider changes. The dominant partner has needs (not just kinky ones) just like the bossed-about, cared-for or collared partner. They get to have off-days, they’re allowed to have limits and they need the option to shuck off the heavy mantle of responsibility now and then.
• A princess must sometimes be humble and giving.
• A brat must sometimes be patient and conciliatory.
• A Little must do their share of adulting.
• A slave must sometimes make decisions and plans.
• A pet must sometimes be the caregiver.
It’s not all about us. And actually that’s quite liberating.